zaks wri(tings) #2

This is an absurdist audition account about being a struggling actor. (Heavy emphasis on the struggling.) A tale about a time when I had no money and had to sell my phone in order to get home.

9 minutes to get to Clapham Junction? Light work. 

Oh, how rude of me. I didn’t introduce myself. Hi, my name is Zakiyyah but everyone calls me Zak. I am currently on the way to an audition. I have had three hours sleep, on the second day of my period and have £1 to my name.

It’s roughly a 30 minute bus ride to get to Clapham Junction then a 10 minute train ride to get to the Orange Tree Theatre in Richmond. Usually a commute like this would take under 45 minutes with time to grab a sexy snickers bar. But today, I left out 2 and a half hours earlier. Why? I hear you ask. Because that £1 I mentioned earlier is on my oyster card. I can’t use contactless payment because both payment cards are blocked. (Longstory.) Therefore I’m going to walk half the way. (With no time for some nutty caramel goodness. KMT.)

According to Citymapper, I’ve got 9 minutes to get to Clapham junction if I want to catch the bus. I am notoriously a very slow walker. I barely even stroll. But the way my hips are swinging I can definitely qualify for olympic race-walking(1).

Anywho, I catch the bus and get to the audition with 1 minute to spare. I do the audition. It goes meh. But here is where it gets interesting.

I check my oyster card and the balance is minus £0.50. How the H E Double Hockey stick am I going to get home? All I have is a battered script, a tampon and an iPhone 5S. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? (No you’re probably not because you have sense and make good choices.)

Unlike me, who thought the only way I could get home was by selling my phone and this is where the adventure begins…

Footnotes and foolishness

1. If you are ever feeling down, I suggest watching a race-walking video it makes me buss up (No offence to any race walkers reading this – I rate the hustle.) back
2. The following story includes ghetto guardian angels, dodgy dons, hours of walking and a vegan sausage roll.
3. I’m going to be telling it in parts so follow/subscribe for updates. (I promise not to bombard your inbox.)
4. I appreciate ya.